I spent months in my bed and on my sofa. Just me, my thoughts, emotions and pain in my body. This is when I took a deep dive into my Mindfulness practice, and started to apply acceptance in all aspects of life.
Everything I thought defined me was falling apart.
I had severe pain in my belly and other parts of the body. So I learned to accept physical pain in my body and surprisingly found out that pain is perceived much less when you accept it.
I was so drained of energy, that I could hardly leave the house for months. So I became much more aware of my limits and I accepted that I had decreased health and fitness; perhaps for the rest of my life.
My mind shut down and I was not able to continue software development or anything else cognitively challenging. So, I accepted that my cognitive capabilities were not there any more and would maybe never come back.
Being self-employed doesn’t give much financial security where I live, so I had to accept that the financial consequences of going through this were going to be enormous. Especially since my insurance doesn’t believe I’m (mostly) unable to work.
I learned to cry again, something I hadn’t done since I was a child. While diving deeper into my meditation practice, I also learned to observe and feel emotions. How I can allow them to be without being caught up in them.
I thought about death, and sometimes I even wished for it, as it seemed more peaceful than the suffering I was going through. But I learned to accept that both suffering and death are inevitable one day.
I started to see the suffering and pain in other people, pain I’m sometimes involved with. And I learned that sometimes, the only thing we can do, is to accept that each of us has their own journey. Although we can support people, we can’t take their pain away or carry the pain for them.
I realized that the joy and love I felt during my ayahuasca experience was always there in the present moment. No matter which unpleasant emotions, thoughts, or circumstances we find ourselves in, we can learn to find this joy and love in the present moment.